Can I get a Yeehaw? And I say thankya...

I’m sure everyone is aware that San Antonio is the latest city to be graced with a temple. Two weeks ago we went to the open house. Today (Sunday) was the dedicatory prayer in which President Hinckley described the temple as “the most beautiful temple he’s ever seen.” It has been a very exciting time for San Antonians and for all southern and central Texans. So what do you do with all that excitement? A night of boot scootin’? A round of drinks? Of course not--It has to be an evening full of glow sticks, glitter and a whole lot of dancing—no I’m not talking about Samantha’s bachelorette party, I’m talking about a good ol’ barn raisin’ mo’mon jubilee.

Saturday night, Jenn and I went to the Alamodome for this unsurprisingly unique experience. Lucky for you, I kept a running diary of the whole event. Enjoy it as much as I did…

3:00pm—Jenn reminds me that we have the fireside and jubilee with President Hinckley at 5pm in the Alamodome. Admittedly I was a little perturbed since I was hoping to watch our latest movie “rental” we got that morning from the library: Herbie Goes Bananas. It was the best we could find since we checked out “Airplane” last week. Surprisingly, Jenn enjoyed the movie and we were both disappointed to find out yesterday that someone had checked out Naked Gun and Naked Gun 2 & ½. Our romantic date night will have to be postponed.

3:55pm—I’ve decided to wear my brown corduroys with a fitted Geoffrey Bean shirt. I put on the boots and not surprisingly I look good in them. I have one problem, however, with the boots. Whatever I do, I walk bowlegged and have to hold my belt. I don’t know if it’s the years of training from observing Mom’s family or something else. Whatever it is, Jenn tells me I look like a feminine raptor…The normal shoes go back on.

4:00pm—We leave for the Alamodome and quickly come to the conclusion once again that, yes, we are the best drivers in the world.

4:35-4:50—As everyone knows, the Alamodome is no longer the arena in which the Spurs play—they play in the SBC center now. It’s about twice the size of the Delta Center. At work my buddy, Chi Chi (aka Kevin) told me that now they only hold Monster Truck rallies and other events. When he couldn’t name anything else, I wondered if there was anything else if Monster Truck is at the top of the list. I don’t think Karl Malone ever wanted to come to play for the Spurs. I think he only wanted to race his monster truck ‘Power Forward’ on the weekends.

We find some seats in the nosebleed section and set up camp next to some lady from Brigham City (now a Texan). When I tell her that I have family in Honeyville, she responds matter-of-factly: “Oh, well that’s close to Brigham City.” It was as if she revealed a long-hidden truth to me--like why they don’t call hemorrhoids-asteroids. Anyway, she was a nice person and we’ll leave it at that.

5-6pm—The one-hour devotional with Pres. Hinckley, Elder Ballard, Elder Diddier and others was pretty good, although it was mostly geared toward the youth. Probably the highlight of the whole devotional was the entrance of the prophet and his entourage on golf carts. For a second, I thought I would see Coach Edwards dismount the cart and walk on the stage with his Stockton shorts. No such luck. What did happen, though, was a thunderous amount of applauding as President Hinckley took the stage. It was pandemonium. I thought I saw the missionaries on the lower balcony trying to start a wave but it didn’t pan out. I was just waiting for the lady next to me to start “raising the roof”, in which I would have followed her gestures by body slamming her over the railing—the only thing worse than a guy doing the “raising the roof” motions is a girl doing it. Don’t try me…

Anyway, another round of thunderous applause followed the choir’s singing of “Reverently and Meekly Now”, which ultimately prompted Elder Diddier to remind everyone it was a worship service and there was “no need to applaud.” For a second there, I thought we were about to receive salvation from none other than Fay and Tammy Baker(?)—No offense Mom…

6:15pm (Intermission)
Me: I’m hungry, should I get some nachos?
Jenn: Sure, if you want?
Me: What if I don’t want any, do I have to get some?
Jenn: huh?
Me: I’m hungry

6:20pm
Me: I think I’m going to get nachos and a soda.
Jenn: Okay.

6:23pm
Me: I kind of hungry for some nachos
Jenn: (clearly perturbed) If you think I’m going to get you nachos, think again…

6:30pm
Finally I relent and go get Jenn some nachos.

7:04pm—Jenn finally pulls my attention away from my 32 ouncer long enough to point out what obviously had to be the miscalculation of the whole event, and what also happens to be one of the highlights: While waiting for the performance to start, a huge white screen is set up toward the back of the whole ground staging area. On this screen they have the symbol of the whole celebration. If I had asked you to come up with a symbol of the new temple and San Antonio, what would you do? Well, what the organizers decided to do was have a banner across the bottom that read “The Heart of Texas.” The picture above it was none other than the once-Catholic church, The Alamo, with the Angel Moroni triumphantly placed on the top. I can hear the rumors now: “The Alamo was built in such a way that it can easily convert into a temple for the second coming.” And yes, you may spread this rumor at will. And Tim Duncan’s brother is taking the discussions.

7:14—I had to go back and get the nachos because the cheese wasn’t hot enough. With the exorbitant amount of ice and bad nachos, the concession stands have so far received a D minus. If it wasn’t for the nice lady behind the counter, they would have gotten an F. I mean, c’mon, how do you mess up nachos????????? I hereby declare dad’s sausage nachos the greatest nachos I have ever experienced.

7:17pm—The celebration has officially started. How do I know? I hear the first Yee-Haw of the night. Fortunately for Jenn and I, the culprit is sitting only two aisles back. Can I have a second Yee-Haw?

7:18pm—Be careful what you wish for…

7:21pm—The story is set in pioneer times with a family talking about their ventures in the state. There are supposedly over 5,000 kids participating. Well, a huge group dressed in pioneer garb finally enters the arena which brings thunderous applause from the crowd. You know what that means, more standing ovations than the president’s State of the Union.

7:25pm—“The Stars at Night, shine big and bright, (clap, clap, clap), Deep in the heart of Texas.” The song just gets to you. I would’ve clapped in the right parts but I had a 32 ouncer in one hand and cold nachos in the other. Again, the crowd erupts when horses come running in.

7:33pm—The nachos are gone and the ice cup I’m left with leave me a little discouraged—That is, however, before “Coming to America” comes blaring through the speakers. And no, it wasn’t Apollo Creed’s theme song in Rocky IV (Which happens to be one of the greatest films of all time, if only for the fact that Stallone single-handedly ended ended the cold war with this movie. One of those movies that comes on a random channel that you just can't turn off).

7:40pm—Just when I’m starting to lose interest, a Mariachi tune comes on and kids in customary Mexican attire come running through the gates and start performing a dance. Mayka probably has something similar in her closet. One kid in particular looks like he’s doing a cross between the running man and the Russian dance that all the guys try to do at the stake dances. Did those guys ever think they were cool? They’re the same guys who are still dancing the Russian dance at EFY as counselors.

7:41pm—My thoughts turn to Mayka as the Mexican flag is proudly hoisted in the air, shining brightly amongst the three Texas-style piñatas they decided to fly next to it.

7:55pm—A song comes on that sounds vaguely familiar. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it sounds like a cross between George Straight and PC Quest. Which reminds me—remember when we would be driving through California switching between PC Quest and Wilson Phillips? I think it was that music alone that got us through those trips to Utah when the van broke down going through Nevada. If, when we were growing up, Mom had to choose only one CD to take with her anywhere, I would guess the following in this order:

3. George Straight: Mellow music, easy to listen to, great for road trips to Delano to see the weird eye doctor.
2. Wilson Phillips: Secretly, this was Clint’s favorite band.
1. Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers: This is clearly the obvious choice. Every Saturday morning, there was at least a 40 percent chance that the words, “J-J-Jive Bu-Bu-Bunny and the Mastermixers” would be pumping though the stereo. Of course, I was always outside working so this is just what I had heard…

We’re almost there…

7:59pm—Three words: Cotton. Eyed. Joe. I didn’t even know that was a dance. I thought it was a song by Insane Clown Posse, or whoever it was. Anyway, last week in church I overheard one of the youth talking to someone about the dance and how Guinness (not the beer) was going to be there to see if this would break the world record for number of people doing the cotton-eyed-Joe. Great resume builder or a great conversation topic on a date. Either way, it’s a win-win situation.

8:03pm—The song, “Be kind to your web-footed friends, for a duck…..” comes on. Although it seems as though the lyrics have been changed. When did that happen?

8:12pm—I’m still waiting for “All my Exes Live in Texas” to come on. No luck.

8:19pm—The narrative picks up on a conversation between the son, who wants to dance with a girl, and the mom who wants to dance with her son. Which reminds me—Every family reunion involving the infamous cousins’ dance, Mom would lament how her rhythmically challenged sons could not compete with Barbara’s(?) sons two-step. While it is true that I really didn’t learn to dance from her, I did learn to play the piano (stepping up, stepping down, then-a-skip), cook Taco Bake, and jump on the trampoline with near perfection. Who needs to Fox trot when you can jump 15 feet off the trampoline without breaking an arm. Oh wait….

8:27pm—I thought the Cotton-Eyed Joe was the loudest it would get in here. That was, until, the official arrival of the missionaries. Even the nachos got a little jumpy. Some country song was playing and I was half-hoping to see the missionaries start a square dance routine with the mission president calling out the moves. No such luck. They do, however, do their best to look as awkward as possible.

8:29pm—The last streamers go off, along with two glitter explosions. It’s starting to get a little too feminine for me. Finally, the jubilee ends with a closing prayer, which was then followed by more applause and countless yee-haws. Don’t look now, but I think I may have even said one.

Finally, I fully understand if you decide to permanently ban me from posting anything else on the Tustizone. I know it’s big, but that’s how WE do things here in Texas y’all!!!!!!!!! YeeeeeeeeeeHaaaaaawww.